I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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