so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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