All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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