3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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