so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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