The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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