if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
