god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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