Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
