I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
