bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
