theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize