I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
