I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
are you still at the devil's house?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize