She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
