Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
