if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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