Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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