what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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