I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My vagina just recognized that song.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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