We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i wish my penis had a tongue
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
