i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
