Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
