I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
