we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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