put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
