just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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