I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
