Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
