I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
