Do you still have your period?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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