we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
