my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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