whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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