Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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