If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
