my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
