can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
