Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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