New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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