Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
