dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
