Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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