It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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