I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
