it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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