Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
