so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
