Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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