mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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