I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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