U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
